Hopefully you were able to catch our previous introduction to crazy comment personality types. Last time, we covered the delights of First! Freddy and Angry Andrew.
As we move along into the second half of our list we will be introduced to two more delightful characters. This week: Grammar Gertie and Self-Promotion Sammy.
Writers and bloggers beware.
Grammar Gertie
Nothing can make a writer feel more like a complete idiot like Grammar Gertie. These Internet mavens are famous for jumping into any article to tell you how many unforgivable grammar and spelling mistakes you have just made.
Whether it’s not enough o’s in “to” or too many in “loose”, Grammar Gertie is there to expose your dirty little spelling mistakes to the world.
I like to picture Grammar Gertie as a blue-haired, horn-rimmed glasses wearing, retired English teacher. With her face inches away from the monitor she carefully examines each and every word while muttering phrases like “That’s an incorrect comma splice!” or “She better pick up these dangling participles.”
Tsk, tsk lazy Internet writer.
I’m sure if Grammar Gertie could find a way to mark up her monitor with a red pen, she probably would.
How to deal with it:
What has to be the most frustrating thing about the Grammar Gertie types is that they are almost always right. Isn’t it true that they were the ones that got perfect marks on tests on sentence structure while we slept through English class?
Tsk, tsk lazy Internet writer.
So while Grammer Gertie is almost certainly correct, it is far better to learn from our mistakes than give in to our first impulse of throwing a brick through her living room window.
Another often used technique is to blame everything on our Editor. After all, shouldn’t they have caught all these embarrassing mistakes?
While a sharp-eyed editor is worth their weight in whiteout, as a writer we should really be personally responsible for proofing and correcting our own work; no matter how brain numbingly boring that may sound. Besides, Editors have better things to do – like lay around all day by their swimming pools as they drink dry martinis from their solid gold cocktail shakers.
I’m on to you Editors! [Ed Note: Don’t listen to Travis! …I prefer mojitos with solid silver spoons.]
A note to writers who write in a second language: If you’re learning English as a second language and you’re brave enough to write in it, I say go for it!
Grammar Gertie’s will constantly be jumping down your throat when you make mistakes, but they are just jealous because they only wish they could write as well in your native language as you do in theirs.
You’re an inspiration to people who know how difficult it is to learn another language. Don’t let the spelling Nazis discourage you from letting yourself be heard.
Self-promotion Sammy
Ahh…good old Self-promotion Sammy. No matter how good a job you’ve done in writing your article, Sammy is there to tell you how much better he is than you.
These are the types of guys who liked to pick on you in school but would break down in tears when the teacher called on them.
I’m looking at you, Steve!
Whether you’ve written a tutorial or an opinion piece, Self-promotion Sammy will either have a link to a better article he’s written or a put down on how bush league your work is compared to his.
My favorite Self-promotion Sammy has to be the guy who rips your work to shreds and then refuses to show any of his own work. They’re enough to make you want to jump into your car with an IP Google Maps application and a jerrycan of gasoline.
How to deal with it:
The best way to deal with Self-promotion Sammy is just to ignore them. More than likely your other commenters will call them out. And there is something very satisfying about seeing one of these guys being called out.
However, if you find Self-promotion Sammy is often showing up with a link to one his own articles, chances are he’s a SEO spammer. In cases like that, delete his comments with extreme prejudice.
Another version of the Self-promotion Sammy is Sexy-photo Sally. These are typically spammers that are disguised behind a photo of a pretty girl. They often have comments like “Great article. I learned a lot!” while their name links to a web hosting company or something similarly spammy. Feel free to ban Sexy-photo Sally immediately.
And by the way, Steve! Guess who gets the last laugh now that he’s an Internet superstar? And I told you you couldn’t hang a guy on a coat hook by his underwear. The light fabric clearly couldn’t hold my weight.
Stay tuned for next week when we conclude our guide to the crazy comment personality types!
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